You Are Enough For Me

IMG_1063

What does insecurity cause?

Fear

Anger

Depression

Resentment

I have been insecure with myself for nearly my entire life.

I’ve rarely thought of myself as attractive or smart or funny or worth anyones effort.

Insecurity leads to destructive behaviors and poor decisions fueled by fear, anger, depression and resentment.

So my wish for the remainder of 2015 and all the years to come is that my family and my friends always feel they are enough for me.

That may sound odd, maybe even a bit arrogant. That isn’t my intention. I can’t change how others in this world make my children, husband or friends feel, but I can change how I make them feel. I want them to always know that they are enough, that they are my joy, that I am their biggest fan and that they are my world.

I don’t ever want to be the source of their insecurities.

That is a hard wish to fulfill as a mom of 3 children with diabetes.

There are endless questions regarding diabetes.

“Did you bolus?”

“Did you check?”

“What’s your blood sugar?”

“Do you have fast carbohydrates on you?”

“Why are you so high?”

“How much insulin is in your pump?”

“When did you do your last infusion site?”

Those questions can often feel like attacks. They aren’t. They are just questions.

The hardest part is those questions are asked daily often to different children at different times, but that doesn’t matter since the other children hear the questions all the time. It is an almost endless narrative.

I don’t want it to be their internal narrative.

Diabetes is hard. It is constant. I want it to be nothing more than white noise.

Feeling like you are enough is a powerful thing. Feeling like you make a difference in the lives of others gives you strength and motivates you to do more while knowing you don’t need to. Feeling unconditional love encourages us to love ourselves.

I don’t ever want my kids to think they aren’t enough and I’ll be damned if I let diabetes get in the way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If Only They Could See Me

 

 

…through my eyes.

eyesphoto

So there is a saying that I say to my kids (especially my daughter) often.

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes”

I tell them this because I see them as strong, smart, brave, beautiful kids with amazing souls. Now granted they can be little hellions too, but this blog isn’t about teenage hormones and how it is a cruel joke that God continuously giggles at.

Sometimes insecurities cause us to be our worst critics and it is then that I wish they could see themselves how I see them.

Tonight – I find myself wishing something different.

I find myself wishing some of those I love most could see ME the way I see ME.

Maybe it would help them understand me. Maybe it would explain a few of my several shades of crazy. Maybe it would allow them to let go of some of the UGLY they DO see in me.

I guess I should share how I see myself: (not all are positive but for the sake of honestly I shared everything I see yet nothing as bad as I sometimes thinks others see in me)

  • Honest to a fault
  • Overweight
  • Loyal
  • Loving
  • Outgoing
  • Outspoken
  • Trusting
  • Funny
  • Generous
  • Witty(ish)
  • Smart(ish)
  • Sarcastic
  • Positive
  • Quiet (when I am hurting)
  • Quick Tempered
  • Not quick to forgive (yet I almost always do)
  • Stubborn
  • Potty Mouthed
  • Scared
  • Irrational/Very Rational (depends on situation)
  • Meticulous yet slacking
  • Dorky
  • Far from graceful
  • Tendency to over react
  • Insecure
  • Brave
  • Strong
  • A good friend
  • Afraid of failing
  • Lonely

When it comes to diabetes I worry a lot but it doesn’t consume me. Not like it used to. I roll with it more often than I loose it. I admit it is harder with my daughter who is trying to exert her independence but not always doing what I think she should.

When there is a conflict between what I think she should be doing and what she thinks she is doing I become the enemy. It wouldn’t be fair for me to share all sorts of sorted details about recent disagreements so I won’t. She has a life to live after she leaves my home and although I don’t share my kids names those who know me, know who my kids are and sharing our dirty laundry with the world would be wrong.

That being said – if she and all my family could see me through my eyes they would see a mom and wife who loves them more than the sun, moon and stars – more than Reese’s (that says a lot). They would see me trying my hardest to hide the anxiety I feel when they are off doing fun things for extended periods with others that don’t know D like I know D. They would see me struggling with giving them space while trying to hold their hand. They would see me wanting the very best for them. Just enough sorrow to recognize the happiness, just enough strife to make them strong, just enough fear to make them brave, just enough rejections to make them know when they are wanted, just enough failure to help them succeed. They would see my heart break twice as hard as theirs when they are sad. They would see me want to ‘end’ those who hurt them. They would see my heart swell when they are happy. They would know I never want to yell, I don’t look for arguments, I don’t intentionally cause them stress. They would know how sorry I am when I make mistakes.

If they saw all of this maybe I wouldn’t be accused of looking for things to be angry about. I wouldn’t be accused of waiting for others to make mistakes so I could point them out. Being negative is the last thing I ever want to be. There are enough woes in this world without me looking for them.

I don’t know much in this world but I know how to love. I know I’m a good and honest person. I know I make mistakes. I know I’m not perfect. I know I use my ugly voice more often than I’d like. I know I’m always trying to be better.

I wish those I love could truly see me because sometimes the person I believe they see is not very pretty.