You Are Enough For Me

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What does insecurity cause?

Fear

Anger

Depression

Resentment

I have been insecure with myself for nearly my entire life.

I’ve rarely thought of myself as attractive or smart or funny or worth anyones effort.

Insecurity leads to destructive behaviors and poor decisions fueled by fear, anger, depression and resentment.

So my wish for the remainder of 2015 and all the years to come is that my family and my friends always feel they are enough for me.

That may sound odd, maybe even a bit arrogant. That isn’t my intention. I can’t change how others in this world make my children, husband or friends feel, but I can change how I make them feel. I want them to always know that they are enough, that they are my joy, that I am their biggest fan and that they are my world.

I don’t ever want to be the source of their insecurities.

That is a hard wish to fulfill as a mom of 3 children with diabetes.

There are endless questions regarding diabetes.

“Did you bolus?”

“Did you check?”

“What’s your blood sugar?”

“Do you have fast carbohydrates on you?”

“Why are you so high?”

“How much insulin is in your pump?”

“When did you do your last infusion site?”

Those questions can often feel like attacks. They aren’t. They are just questions.

The hardest part is those questions are asked daily often to different children at different times, but that doesn’t matter since the other children hear the questions all the time. It is an almost endless narrative.

I don’t want it to be their internal narrative.

Diabetes is hard. It is constant. I want it to be nothing more than white noise.

Feeling like you are enough is a powerful thing. Feeling like you make a difference in the lives of others gives you strength and motivates you to do more while knowing you don’t need to. Feeling unconditional love encourages us to love ourselves.

I don’t ever want my kids to think they aren’t enough and I’ll be damned if I let diabetes get in the way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tetris

Greetings old friend.

I have a number of friends that I don’t talk to regularly. Sometimes weeks, months even a year can pass in between chats. Still when we do reconnect it is like time stood still and we pick up where we left off. We recognize that life gets busy and crazy and sometimes sad and so conversations take a back seat while we get our shit together. It isn’t that we don’t think of each other often while we are away.

My blog is a friend. I’ve thought about dozens of posts the last few weeks but taking time to sit and write would have added stress to my already stressed heart.

I recognized sometime in April that I was in a full-blown burnout. Not just diabetes related – life related.

I don’t write about my marriage or extended family much here. I don’t think its fair to them. But know this – (many of you will already know this) diabetes takes a toll on families. Not just those with diabetes but the entire family. As a dmom I share much of my frustrations about late night blood sugar shenanigans, sleep deprivation, fears, and anger. It may seem as though I get my shit together fairly quickly but in honesty some of the emotions always linger and those emotions affect my marriage and other relationships.

Sadness, exhaustion, fear, and anger are always dropping in. Much of the time I am able to adjust the pieces so they don’t stack up too high. Picture a game of Tetris if you haven’t already. I redirect the fear, anger, sadness, and exhaustion so that they cancel each other out and leave me with space for hope, love, laughter. Sometimes the pieces fall too fast or I misdirect a few pieces that sabotage the whole operation. The result – the stack reaches the top and its game over.

I reached that point just after my birthday. I was in a bad place. I was in a period of depression with a side of anger. I had to step back and reset the game.

Life is cyclical. Things are improving now because I hit a precipice and changes needed to be made. Things will continue to improve and there will be another point in the future where things stack up and changes will need to be made. Each time life cycles around we have an opportunity to develop a deeper sense of self-awareness and growth.

While I don’t like the place I was over the last couple months I certainly am grateful that life is not linear because a line doesn’t allow for growth.

Anyway – I’m back and feeling reenergized so – Game on.

 

 

30 Days 30 Posts

November is National Blog Posting Month. Starting November 1st I will be taking part in the 30 Day 30 Posts challenge as a Health Activist and Diabetes Awareness Advocate.

NHBPM 2012 (Link to sign up for National Blog Posting Month)

Now I know what your thinking – I have not posted much since July (maybe even June). Clearly I’ve gotten lazy or complacent. This is not true. I have just been overwhelmed – to the point that I could just as easily be blogging about depression and anxiety along with Diabetes. Seems the move has undone me. The thought of a move being my undoing makes me angry and sad. There are so many that suffer much bigger things – yet I would find myself completely unpredictable over the last few months – some days are good others I am ready to load up the van and drive back to Texas.

Things that have kept me sane are:

  • Wednesday evenings spent with 30+ of my closest DOC (Diabetes Online Community) friends. If you haven’t attended a Wednesday night twitter chat with the DOC and you have diabetes or love someone who does please check it out. It is at 6pm ET – you can get the link here (scroll to bottom and click twitter chat) And while you are checking out the DSMA site – be sure to check out the monthly blog carnivals.
  • I have a neighbor who is at least as crazy as me – she has welcomed us with open arms, her son is a great playmate for my boys and honestly she makes me laugh.
  • A texting group I refer to as “The Hive”. It includes 5 of the most wonderful DOC members – they carry on conversations and when I can I jump in too. It is like having a pocket full of friends and they are always with me.
  • Its fall and the leaves are changing – that doesn’t really happen to well in Texas. I love the smell of fallen leaves and crunch beneath my feet.
  • I get to bake with pumpkin for the next few months (yes I know I could always bake with pumpkin but I like to save it for the fall).
I have a dozen blog drafts started with a range of topics – TrialNet, Health Insurance, The need for FDA approval for the Dexcom 4G for under 17, Sleep Deprivation, and Advocating for our cwd in school. Some of the posts I will finish and share. Others I likely wont – I mostly wrote them for myself. Hoping that the NHBPM 2012 will get me writing again – and reading. Surely next week I’ll have time (a phrase I have been saying every week since Aug 20th.). Hope to see my DOC friends participating in NHBPM. Cheers.