…through my eyes.
So there is a saying that I say to my kids (especially my daughter) often.
“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes”
I tell them this because I see them as strong, smart, brave, beautiful kids with amazing souls. Now granted they can be little hellions too, but this blog isn’t about teenage hormones and how it is a cruel joke that God continuously giggles at.
Sometimes insecurities cause us to be our worst critics and it is then that I wish they could see themselves how I see them.
Tonight – I find myself wishing something different.
I find myself wishing some of those I love most could see ME the way I see ME.
Maybe it would help them understand me. Maybe it would explain a few of my several shades of crazy. Maybe it would allow them to let go of some of the UGLY they DO see in me.
I guess I should share how I see myself: (not all are positive but for the sake of honestly I shared everything I see yet nothing as bad as I sometimes thinks others see in me)
- Honest to a fault
- Quiet (when I am hurting)
- Quick Tempered
- Not quick to forgive (yet I almost always do)
- Potty Mouthed
- Irrational/Very Rational (depends on situation)
- Meticulous yet slacking
- Far from graceful
- Tendency to over react
- A good friend
- Afraid of failing
When it comes to diabetes I worry a lot but it doesn’t consume me. Not like it used to. I roll with it more often than I loose it. I admit it is harder with my daughter who is trying to exert her independence but not always doing what I think she should.
When there is a conflict between what I think she should be doing and what she thinks she is doing I become the enemy. It wouldn’t be fair for me to share all sorts of sorted details about recent disagreements so I won’t. She has a life to live after she leaves my home and although I don’t share my kids names those who know me, know who my kids are and sharing our dirty laundry with the world would be wrong.
That being said – if she and all my family could see me through my eyes they would see a mom and wife who loves them more than the sun, moon and stars – more than Reese’s (that says a lot). They would see me trying my hardest to hide the anxiety I feel when they are off doing fun things for extended periods with others that don’t know D like I know D. They would see me struggling with giving them space while trying to hold their hand. They would see me wanting the very best for them. Just enough sorrow to recognize the happiness, just enough strife to make them strong, just enough fear to make them brave, just enough rejections to make them know when they are wanted, just enough failure to help them succeed. They would see my heart break twice as hard as theirs when they are sad. They would see me want to ‘end’ those who hurt them. They would see my heart swell when they are happy. They would know I never want to yell, I don’t look for arguments, I don’t intentionally cause them stress. They would know how sorry I am when I make mistakes.
If they saw all of this maybe I wouldn’t be accused of looking for things to be angry about. I wouldn’t be accused of waiting for others to make mistakes so I could point them out. Being negative is the last thing I ever want to be. There are enough woes in this world without me looking for them.
I don’t know much in this world but I know how to love. I know I’m a good and honest person. I know I make mistakes. I know I’m not perfect. I know I use my ugly voice more often than I’d like. I know I’m always trying to be better.
I wish those I love could truly see me because sometimes the person I believe they see is not very pretty.