Spilt Coffee and Exploding Eggs

For the love of God someone please get me a magic bullet or a blender.

Yesterday I was thirsty and needed caffeine for a headache.

I was at Target. The target has a Starbucks.

I thought ‘cool’ Ill get a coffee. But I was thirsty and hot liquids aren’t good for thirst. Thus I ordered a blended coffee frap thing. I also ordered a cup of water – just tap water – no ice – I sucked that down while the guy made my frozen coffee. The guy handed me my frozen treat and I took a sip – delicious!

I left target and opened my driver’s side door. Sadly my beverage holders where all occupied with old pop cans and a travel mug (we shall not speak of this). I set my tasty treat on the edge of my van next to the seat nearest the door. I left the door open. Then I turned to put my groceries in the back seat.

You know whats coming but let me finish.

The darn wind blew my driver’s side door closed. I heard a crunch.

I opened the door to find my tasty treat safe and sound except the cup a little squished. I bent to pick it up and in that split second it crashed to ground – upside down. All my frozen coffee goodness was splattered on the pavement. I won’t lie – for a nano second I considered pulling a Joey from friends and scooping the top of the frozen pile back into my cup. Don’t worry I didn’t.

Fast forward to just 10 minutes ago. I was thirsty. I need caffeine. I don’t want a hot beverage. I thought – shoot I can make a blended coffee – no problem.

I poured left over morning coffee into a 6 inch high Braun cup (the same one I use to make smoothies). I added a dash of sugar and a splash of milk. Then I added a hand full of ice cubes.

I put the Braun mixer wand into the cup and envisioned the tasty treat I was about to enjoy.

I pressed the button to begin the sweet blending process.

My counter and wall are now covered in sticky coffee with a side of milk.

Clearly I am not at my best today.

*early today I exploded two hard-boiled eggs in the microwave. Do not try to reheat hard-boiled eggs (even if they are peeled) in the microwave – I had egg shrapnel everywhere.

*please do not send me a blender or magic bullet unless your name is Chad and you love me.

This is what happens when I stay up till after 3am and get up at 6:30.

Afraid of the Night

Ever been afraid to go to sleep?

Perhaps its nightmares that would keep you up? Something like Freddie Cruger haunting you? Perhaps you hear the song – 1,2 Freddies coming for you. 3,4 Better lock your door, 5,6 grab a crucifix, 7,8 stay up late. 9,10 Never sleep again.

Honestly as a teen the Nightmare on Elm Street movies scared me more than any other horror movie ever has. Just thinking of Freddies burned face and clawed hands gives me the heebie jeebies. And that song – along with images of a little one on a tricycle. Ugh. Well if there was a chance I was gonna sleep tonight – that chance has passed. I didn’t sleep much in the weeks after viewing any of those movies.

Or – perhaps like me prior to my move to CA, the weather channel has kept you up. Hours watching thin red and yellow blobs move across the screen while tickers race below alerting residents of various counties that funnel clouds have been spotted or worse that tornadoes are on the ground.

Before diabetes – basically before life had gone pear-shaped* – horror flicks and severe weather were the only things that would keep my head off my pillow.

Then enters diabetes, in the first few years there were the occasional nights in which I would keep vigil, read a book or watch TV rather than set an alarm. Mostly because it just seemed easier. But for the most part if blood sugars were not behaving I would set an alarm or two and cozy back into my bed. The alarms rarely failed me.

However, sometime in year four I realized I was finding it more difficult to hear my alarms. Solution – move my alarm clock into my bathroom, turn the volume way up and have heavy metal blast through the night. Problem solved. For a bit.

In the last year I have become completely numb to my alarms. I can set a half-dozen alarms at the most ear deafening volumes and I will not wake up. Or worse – I will wake up long enough to turn them ALL off without a clue I’m doing it.

My dear husband has always been alarm deaf. I’m sure it comes from years of me hearing them, getting up and taking care of business. I’m certain he hears them but he knows believes I’m on it. There are nights that I have said – if you hear my alarm make sure I get up, and he does. I mean he makes sure that I get up or at least that I become conscious.

I am now at the point that I cannot trust myself to get up to alarms in the wee hours of the night. My solution – stay up. I rarely go to bed before midnight and most nights its much later. I am afraid to sleep.

My kids blood sugars aren’t always crazy high or crazy low so there are nights that I can safely go to bed by midnight. Yet there is a little voice – no it doesn’t sound like Freddie but it might as well – that says “what if?” Am I finally loosing it?

Should I be looking at color swatches for my padded room? I wonder if they have blue?

I know what would help me. I know there is a wonderful device that monitors blood sugars and had the ability to alert me should danger present itself. Sadly those devices are costly – like car payment costly – and just not attainable for us without the help of insurance. And because the FDA has not yet given the green light on the devices to be used by those under 17 I am at their mercy. Our insurance is a stickler for the rules. There are insurance companies out there that recognize the value of continuous glucose monitors for kids despite the lack of FDA sign-off. I applaud those companies – clients before cost. Because lets face it the only reason a company would hide behind FDA approval on a device that can’t possibly hurt the user is the almighty dollar.

Yes it would mean I would have to hear the alarms but something tells me I would. I believe this because I would get more sleep overall which means I would not sleep walk to the alarms and shut them off before crawling back in bed unaware of my actions. At least in theory.

So dear FDA – please pick up the pace with the approval of the Dexcom G4 continuous glucose monitor for those under 17. You are my Obi Wan Kenobi – and my only hope.

*pear shaped – describes a situation that went awry, perhaps horribly wrong. (I love the UK – The British have the coolest ways of saying shit)

Tetris

Greetings old friend.

I have a number of friends that I don’t talk to regularly. Sometimes weeks, months even a year can pass in between chats. Still when we do reconnect it is like time stood still and we pick up where we left off. We recognize that life gets busy and crazy and sometimes sad and so conversations take a back seat while we get our shit together. It isn’t that we don’t think of each other often while we are away.

My blog is a friend. I’ve thought about dozens of posts the last few weeks but taking time to sit and write would have added stress to my already stressed heart.

I recognized sometime in April that I was in a full-blown burnout. Not just diabetes related – life related.

I don’t write about my marriage or extended family much here. I don’t think its fair to them. But know this – (many of you will already know this) diabetes takes a toll on families. Not just those with diabetes but the entire family. As a dmom I share much of my frustrations about late night blood sugar shenanigans, sleep deprivation, fears, and anger. It may seem as though I get my shit together fairly quickly but in honesty some of the emotions always linger and those emotions affect my marriage and other relationships.

Sadness, exhaustion, fear, and anger are always dropping in. Much of the time I am able to adjust the pieces so they don’t stack up too high. Picture a game of Tetris if you haven’t already. I redirect the fear, anger, sadness, and exhaustion so that they cancel each other out and leave me with space for hope, love, laughter. Sometimes the pieces fall too fast or I misdirect a few pieces that sabotage the whole operation. The result – the stack reaches the top and its game over.

I reached that point just after my birthday. I was in a bad place. I was in a period of depression with a side of anger. I had to step back and reset the game.

Life is cyclical. Things are improving now because I hit a precipice and changes needed to be made. Things will continue to improve and there will be another point in the future where things stack up and changes will need to be made. Each time life cycles around we have an opportunity to develop a deeper sense of self-awareness and growth.

While I don’t like the place I was over the last couple months I certainly am grateful that life is not linear because a line doesn’t allow for growth.

Anyway – I’m back and feeling reenergized so – Game on.