Dream day laced with guilt

My Dream Day Would Be Laced With Guilt

Day 14 Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge

Prompt – Describe your ideal day. how would you spend your time? Who would you spend it with? Have you had this day? If not – how could you make it happen?

I have struggled with this prompt in my head all day – well actually for a number of days since I read ahead. Many would expect me to write how my dream day would be a day in which my kids did not have diabetes. Of course I dream of that day but while I believe it is coming I don’t believe it will be in the next 5 years. Others may also expect my dream day to be one I spend having fun with my family – the thing is I get a lot of those days and I treasure them already. Earlier I started to type out my dream day as a day I get to meet all the wonderful people I’ve ‘meet’ in the DOC (diabetes online community via twitter and blogs) since I got involved. So many have already helped me learn, cope and laugh – too meet them in person would be oh so wonderful. Yet none of the above mentioned days are what I really dream of right now.

The day I dream of causes me to feel the dreaded “guilt” because the day I dream of would be all mine. I don’t often (ever) take a break from the diabetes care for my kids. Notice I didn’t say “get” a break. My dear husband recognises how hard I work and acknowledges the fact I don’t get enough sleep. He understands why sometimes my patience has run out and my temper is quick. He has recently encouraged me to ‘take a break’. I just don’t.

I have a difficult time asking for help. I mean a really terrible awful time asking for help. It isn’t a pride thing (most of the time), it isn’t entirely that I don’t trust others to do as good of a job as I do (if what I do is a good job – there are others who are much better at it), it isn’t that I couldn’t get away – we would have resources for me to utilize if I wanted to get away. It is that I am a control freak and if something ever went wrong when I was ‘taking a break’ I wouldn’t no how to forgive myself (also a big problem I have). I trudge along feeling tired, alone, incapable even though I don’t have to feel those things. Granted my husband would make a gazillion mistakes (sorry babe if you read this) but it wouldn’t be his fault. When Sugarboy was diagnosed I took the reigns and haven’t relinquished them very often, and even then only with multiple phone calls and texts. I haven’t given my dear husband too many opportunities to learn diabetes management like I know it. I learned by trial and error and if I don’t let others try how would they know.

So going back to my guilt laced dream day – If I really had a dream day it would be all about me. No kids (insert guilt here) and no husband (again insert guilt here). I would leave my phone behind and my computer too. I would pack up some comfy pants and tank tops, the latest edition of the Outlander series (due out in 2013), my ipod (with the next Lord John book downloaded on it to be used during the drive down), my sunglasses, a pair of shorts, my sonic care toothbrush ( I love that thing – makes my mouth happy), a package of Red Vines, my camera and my flip flops. I would get in my van rented two door convertible sports car (brand doesn’t matter) and head off to the coast (about 4 hours to a fairly decent one in Texas).

I would leave early (late) enough to arrive as the sun was coming up over the waves.
I would stop at a Starbucks and order a venti non-fat cinnamon dolce latte with only 3 pumps of syrup and no whip. I would park at the hotel that I would be staying at that night, grab my camera and take my latte for a walk on the beach. I would find a quiet place and start writing in the sand – words like anger, guilt, regret, sadness, and mistakes. I would let the tides take each emotion away leaving me light hearted and free – at least for the day. I would smile at strangers jogging and vacationers coming down early to set up a good spot for later day fun and I would know that I didn’t have to talk to them.

I would return to the hotel and ask to check in early and since it is my dream day they would say “certainly and also we upgraded you to a king Jacuzzi suite with a full ocean view”. I would run a hot jacuzzi bath (brush my teeth since they would be gross from driving all night) grab my book and sink into a luxurious bath complete with lavender and eucalyptus scents. I would have a tall pitcher of ice water with cucumbers perched near to keep me hydrated.

After the long relaxing bath and a number of chapters filled with my friends Jamie and Claire (main characters) I would slip into the complementary hotel robe and call down to have the nail specialist sent up. I would sit on my private balcony listening to the waves and seagulls as the nail specialist rubbed my feet, legs, arms and hands, buffed out all the dry stressed skin, and painted my nails.
My breakfast would arrive next; fruit salad, spinach quiche and black coffee. It would still be well before noon so I would sink down into the extra plush bedding and close my eyes for a mid morning nap.

When I awake it would be mid afternoon. The sun would be high and hot. I would slip into my shorts and a tank top, fill my water bottle, rub in some sun screen and head to the shore. Id toss my flip flops in my shoulder bad with my water and camera and I would start walking. Id stay just close enough to the tides that my footsteps leave slight indentations that are quietly washed away. I’d walk for miles – thinking, not thinking, singing to myself, not making a sound, listening to the waves whisper to me, snapping pictures and listening to children playing (not my own so I don’t have to worry about sun screen, riptides, or jellyfish), I’d watch people fly kites, rent jet skies, hop over the tides and fish. Along I would know I don’t have to do any of it, I can just walk. I would turn back when my water bottle is half empty.

In the late afternoon I would again curl up on the bed but this time I would read. I would read without a phone ringing, the dryer beeping, the kids arguing, dinner calling to be made, or the dogs barking. I would love reading but I would feel a bit sleepy so I would dog-ear my page and close my eyes. I would wake to my dinner being brought in on silver platters. Grilled salmon with mashed potatoes and asparagus, fried calamari, brushetta bread, and a pomegranate ginger martini. After savoring every bite desert would be served – chocolate moose cheesecake and a cappuccino.
After dinner I would head down to the shore again with a towel and again my book. I would read until the sun fell low and the twilight made it difficult to read with straining my eyes. At which point I would lie back at watch for the first evening stars with the whispers of the tides reminding me that it is ok to take time for myself.

I’d return to my room, take a hot shower, pull on my comfy pants and tank top and crawl into bed – setting the alarm to wake me in time to head home before my kids woke up in the morning.
During this entire day I wouldn’t check a blood sugar, wouldn’t count a carb, wouldn’t talk about school, kids, or housework.

So this is why my dream day would be laced with guilt. If I wanted to do this – I could. I make my own insulin and so theoretically I could take a vacation from diabetes. (Insert Sally Field “I could run from here to Texas but my daughter couldn’t she never could).  Prior to finding the DOC I would only feel guilty about taking a vacation from diabetes because my kids can’t, now I have grown to care about so many in the DOC that I would also feel guilty because they can’t take a vacation either.

My doctor, my husband and my family tell me I need to take care of myself to be able to take care of my kids. I’m sure they are right but would my dream day really be beneficial or would the guilt, anger and frustration I would feel after taking such a day be detrimental to my well being.

This day can never happen while my kids, friends and so many others fight the battle that is diabetes because I won’t rest until everyone else can too.

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