That’s what she said…
In March when I received my list of prompts and read through them, I starred a few that I was excited about, put question marks on some that I wasn’t sure about and on a select few I drew a frowny face. This prompt is one of the frowny face prompts. I can hardly remember what I had for breakfast let alone an entire conversation. If my brain worked better I could share discussions I have had with friends, hubby, offspring, and even a DOCer via phone call, Jason Turner about his islet transplant http://jasonturner.ca/blog. (that was a great conversation btw – and I hope that when I share all I learned from Jason with out local JDRF office they will consider bringing Jason down to ATX for next years Type One Now conference.) So back to my brain/memory conundrum. I think the single most frustrating thing regarding me for my husband is that I will accuse him of doing or saying things that irk me, but can’t give him examples. I’m just not an example girl. I know what I know and no one should question it – right? (Ignore the fact that I can and do quote movies at any given moment.) I don’t pretend to understand the intricacies of the brain and how memories or stored and retrieved – I just know that I have a lot of bridges out.
So how pray tell do I suppose to write today’s prompt?
The only thing I can think of doing is opening a window for all to ‘see’ the conversations that I have internally. The pep talks, the lectures, and the questions & answers – an interior monologue if you will, although if I am sharing it, does it become a soliloquy?
We all do it, we all talk to ourselves sometimes aloud, sometimes for me, very loudly while in the shower I recall some mistake or regret and berate myself for it. Other times I might remind myself of things aloud – milk, butter, eggs, toilet paper. Hearing my list helps me remember – yes it would be easier to write it down. But my real conversations take place late at night when my head hits the pillow but when I close my eyes I don’t always drift off into dreamland. Sometimes I begin to think of all I would like to do, haven’t done, need to do. I think of things I’ve said, didn’t say, want to say. This is where and when most my interior monologues find their way into my conscious and demand attention – Resistance is futile.
Here is a recap of a convo I had with myself last night.
“How many eggs did I hide? 12, 24, 36, 48 – no 60. Each kid should get 20. Do Sweetstuff and Middles still believe? I know sugarboy does. He’s so cute. I hope if they (Sweetness and Middles) don’t they don’t ever tell me – I hate to think we would let that go (the magic and mystery). Did I put the bag from the Hershey Kisses in the trash? I hope so, don’t want them to see evidence – wait did I write down the carb counts for the kisses and mini-chocolate bars? Thank goodness for my Track3 app. (Has carb counts for like everything). Wish I did more non-candy eggs. Stupid Diabetes. Wish hubby would quit snoring. Damn is my camera battery charged. I wonder if Sugarboy will put on the Dexcom Monday if he sees **** do it. Stupid Diabetes. Why doesn’t he ever recognize his lows. He was low (under 50) a half dozen times in the last week and didn’t feel them at all. Stupid Diabetes. Have I let him go low too often. Is that why he is so unaware? It’s not my fault. I try. Lord please let me try harder. He wont want to wear another device – his little body is too – little. He will look like go go gadget. Go go gadget Dexcom! Stupid Diabetes. Shit I didn’t shop for Middles birthday and the stores will be closed tomorrow – or will they? I can’t believe he will be 10. Double digits – have to get balloons. Why do so many kids get diagnosed around their birthdays? Please Lord don’t ever let Middles develop Diabetes. It’s hard enough being a middle. Did I put Skadoodle (our little dog) up?”
Well there you have it – at least what I remember of it. Wish I could have shared some profound, inspirational or uplifting conversation that I have had recently but aside from the convo with Jason about islet transplants my week was fairly uneventful.
I struggled with this prompt and I am certain it shows. BUT – I did it. It may not be pretty or eloquent but I did it and thus avoided letting myself down regarding the challenge. More importantly I get to go read all the other Day 8 posts that I have avoided until mine was done. They are my reward for writing so I don’t allow myself to read any until I have written. Here’s to completing something I wasn’t excited about doing. Yea Me – celebrate success.